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A-maze


So I did my 20 minute meditation. My body wasn’t agreeing with me.

I don’t want to “fight” this pain(physical)anymore. I am fighting this pain from the Endometriosis everyday. Everyday is different. Every hour is different. Every second is different.

Its not my mind that is making me squirm…maybe? I’m not sure. I know that I’m tired of feeling sick. Being sick, not healthy.
My whole goal is to live with the pain not be in pain.

So I “fight”. I don’t even think its about winning….now that was an epiphany. Even just letting go of the “feeling” of the physical pain is a feeling on its own and a thought in itself. What am I fighting?

Now I see something I didn’t see before. When I first did the 28 day challenge my pain level wasn’t even near what it is now. I was “fighting” a whole different “battle” then. That seem so small now in comparison to my health. “That”….was so easy compared to “this”.

Its so funny how far I’ve come in the last couple of years. What is relevant now vs then. I am looking back and seeing a whole different picture. I have worked through the emotions and depression. I was going through something totally different but still surrounding the Endometriosis. I was so fearful of not being able to bear children. I didn’t even see that I was taking my health for granted.

A little over a year ago I was going to get a hysterectomy and some things happened…well I didn’t go through with it. Now I dealing with chronic pain. I decided in August of last year that I was going to take control (or try to see) if changing my eating habits would “help” or possible allow me to get out of bed. Maybe I could run or work again.

I am working on it. This 28 day challenge is part of it. This is a reflection of my will to get up and somehow find a way to think differently about “it”. I just want to run. I just want to be able to sit(meditate) and not be in excruciating pain at the end of the session.

Its a maze…its not me fighting for no more pain….its not me going through motions to be able to run again. NOPE! Its baby steps. This is a different “game”. Another layer of the onion peeled away.

Funny….I am walking right through the deep of this RIGHT NOW and have been but I JUST recognized that is exactly what I am doing.

I am not judging “my” pain for once. I am seeing the picture even further away than I did years ago. I was so so afraid before. I wanted to be a mother. That hardly crosses my mind(not that when I think of it …it makes me feel that pain…again),but Its clear now well at least that part of the picture.

I smiled at the end of my session. I don’t why. I guess I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all the obstacles in my way….as the song goes. I get it.

I am just going through the motions. “This”(endometriosis/physical pain) is the obstacle(s). There is no known cure for “this” but its gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day-even if its just this turn of the maze.

I give myself peace. I love more. I’ve forgiven. So I thought I was strong and I thought that was it. No, The picture is becoming clearer only because I am walking further back.

Metaphorically-I was looking so close at one particular spot, on this gigantic painting in a museum. Totally not realizing that it is just ONE piece of the painting. Now I am walking back and I cant see it all clearly, but it starting to make more sense.

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