Buddhism / endometriosis / Love / personal journey

Pain and Doing What I Love|An area of expertise that I wish I didn’t have


I just want to put this out there before you read any further-

  • I am not saying it takes being in pain to find these ideas out. All of us go through “Life Events” that cause some type of suffering.
  • We all see the world differently and that in itself is beautiful. As humans, we all bring something to the table that will bring a different perspective.

Ever since I was a little girl I drew and painted. It was my first love and always will be. I was told by different people in my life that I should use my gift. As far back as I can remember I always thought that producing and then selling art pieces would mean I was “prostituting my emotions”. I couldn’t bring myself to ever sell them. I gave more than half of my pieces away. I may have sold a few but in my heart I never thought that I would use my “gift” as a product to sell. It felt wrong.

Off and on throughout my life I would have creative blocks, which usually came from depression, anxiety or some form of negative thinking, mind you these came from trauma that happened to me. I would take jobs that I absolutely hated. I intentionally would destroy myself. I believed all the negative things that people had told me about myself. I didn’t love myself. I hated the hollowness of my life. I felt that I had foo many”bad hands” given go me. I had almost no self-esteem.  The only thing that helped me was my belief in love. I didn’t understand exactly why back then ( in my formative years ) why this would be such a profound truth to my future self,

When I hit my late twenties I was with someone who diminished myself self-esteem completely. It was the first time I had experienced domestic violence. I won’t go into details, but this was my breaking point. I had to re-examine  my life. I was forced to seek a different view on my choices. Looking back now, I see a very lost soul. I may have thought I knew what I wanted, but I had no desire for anything more than what I was doing and that was the problem. I was just treading water at this point. Even with the events that lead to my breakdown, I still was so blind. 

mymother

My mother-Maggie

After I left my partner, things started to change. Almost everything started to change in fact. I had hit rock bottom. I was determined to dig myself out of this deep hole. I had set some goals to hit for my personal growth. They were basic but vital to my well-being. I knew that I had to get in shape. I promised myself that I would begin running 5ks and I did. I fell in love with running. I started to fall in love with myself. I began looking inside to see how I could change my experiences in life. I was choosing to look at my life as a gift. I was choosing love over fear. I started to practice/study Tibetan Buddhism. I also began reading a book called “Real Happiness” by Sharon Salzberg. She began an online group where for 28 days, we made a contract with ourselves to meditate every day. We communicated on Twitter or her blog. I was making conscience steps to fulfill my goals for my well-being. I was taught many things in those 28 days. One  of them was to love myself, to be kind to myself and to give myself compassion. No one ever taught me those self-values when I was growing up. I didn’t have too many people in my life that did that.

My mother (She is the beautiful woman in the picture) probably taught me THE MOST IMPORTANT value of all and that was unconditional love. I experienced that kind of love from her. She gave me that. ….Ok so I went off track there but I had to point that out. I’m pretty sure its where my beliefs of believing in love (it was my religion) came from. 

I was so alive, filled with so much determination to know myself. I wanted to be this person. I ran 5ks, I was meditating and I was falling in love with life. Although I was still working at jobs that I hated. I still had a creative block. I was still painting, but I knew I could create better art pieces. I wanted the creative block broken, shattered to pieces. My life was on the right track. I was headed in the direction of being me. My pursuit of happiness and fulfillment was growing. I wanted MORE because I knew that I was capable of it. I was still digging myself out of that dark hole. Everyday I woke up with intentions of starting my next art piece, writing the book that I wanted to write but really I wanted to break old habits, and we all know, “Old habits die hard”.

During the time when I had started running and meditating I was having a lot of physical pain. I had dealt with this sort of physical pain since I began puberty, but in my late twenties the physical began taking me away from running, walking, sitting & painting;it also affected my self-care, I was not able to do basic things like taking a shower, without assistance. Things were looking very bleak. At this point I had lost three children, I was losing my ability to be, me and the thing that hurt the most were how my life was turning out;all due to these horrible diseases –(I also was diagnosed with Adenomyosis and uterine fibroid tumors.) My doctor deemed me unable to work. My body began a downward spiral to hell. I was going to specialist after specialist. That in itself is another blog post. I went under three different surgeries. The first one was a laparoscopic surgery, diagnosing me with endometriosis. I also had shoulder surgery because I broke my collarbone in a car accident at the age of 17. The last surgery was also for endometriosis as well. This disease can break the strongest person and damn did it try to break me.

I began my research on finding out about the “treatments” of endometriosis. There is NO CURE for this hellish disease. There is very little research on this disease. Endometriosis affects more than 176 million women across the globe–it’s more common than breast cancer and diabetes. The statistics are staggering. The pain that comes from this disease is in the top ten most painful diseases. It has crippled me. It has ALMOST taken my entire life from me. I fight every day. I fight to get my life back. I also was diagnosed with adenomyosis and fibroid tumors in my uterus last year -I stated this earlier in this post, this diagnoses didn’t come until later.  My body hates me.

So there is a brief synopsis of the hell that I trench through daily. This has a point I swear, I just need you to understand that the odds were stacked against me to “win” at life.

So these last couple of months I have broken my creative block. One person has shown me and given me the power to take back my life. I may not have my body completely, but damn he is pivotal at this point. My life up until a couple of months ago was boring and yes I was alive,  but I was allowing my physical pain/diseases to guide my life. I forgot about my heart. It is my compass and I had put it aside because I forgot…..I forgot what it felt like to FEEL alive. I started to workout. I began by dancing ( one of my favorite things to do), I started to see myself again. It was like looking at a fogged up mirror and watching the fog slowly disappear. Little by little, I began “seeing” the world in true color, not in these hazy grays and muted pastels. Oh no, I was seeing in the most vivid colors EVER!

The pain that I deal with every day will always be there. Maybe my next surgery will help, maybe it won’t but I can’t depend on surgeons and doctors or other people to DO. I am painting again. I am writing about my view of my life in its truest form. I am not 100% positive all the time, but I am so close to taking the reins, leading MY LIFE in the direction that  I WANT to go. Excuse my “french” but fuck you pain. I will not fall for your tricks, trying to take my life, when I’ve fought tooth and nail ALL of my life to be who I AM! I know it’s the beginning, I know that I have a journey that I’m going on. It always has been. The lights are on now. That hole that I was digging out of, that I told you about, well I’m on the ground. I can see with a shining heart. The universe has spoken. Let it BE! LET IT BE! let it be……

 

 

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One thought on “Pain and Doing What I Love|An area of expertise that I wish I didn’t have

  1. I used to have the blog puddingthedamageon, and I’ve since began to move things over to a new blog so I can start to write a new chapter. I checked in on you, because your words always meant a lot to me when I was so sick. This post meant so much to see! Your happiness and your enjoyment of life now is amazing. Take your life in both your hands, sister. XX

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