endometriosis / Pain medication

I Broke My Opiate Contract with My Doctor


When I’m moving my body ( walking , exercising ect.)I feel a slight disconnect from my body and my thoughts. It’s like being broken…

…everyday I feel this disconnect from my thoughts and body… every fucking day.

i stopped talking strong medication after over eight years of living at my doctor’s office…
…every single month of those eight years my doctor counted my medication(including oxycodone-20mg, percocets-10mg, fentanyl patches-50mcg and klonopin-2 mg) I wrote down every time I switched patches[every 72 hours, every time I took a percocet…an oxycodone…a klonopin(for panic attacks and night terrors)…
…when I took oxys or a perc}. I took a 50 mcg patch for the majority of those years until I tapered down to a 25 mcg.

After many years of taking these medications I wanted off of them. I was tired of going to the doctors office every month…
…not being able to use THC or CBD for pain relief because it would show as a dirty UA. I was so stuck. I was sick and discouraged with all aspects of my life. I needed something to change. It was so hard to mentally prepare myself for the future…
…I would of overdosed if things didn’t change.

So a couple of months into the summertime, I stopped taking EVERYTHING! I went to my doctors and told them that I wanted to break my pain med contract. The nurse practitioner who saw me, told me that “this” never happens! I did it! I wasn’t going to receive pain meds no longer…
…i was so scared of what endo-pain would feel like. I decided to use kratom (the miracle plant/tree that saved my life). Without kratom I can testify, there would have no way I would have come off such hard drugs. My life was a disaster. I couldn’t talk. Anytime I opened my mouth nothing came out…
…I had no idea what was to come and how long it would take to feel “normal” again. With such a battle ahead of me. This was going to be so fuckin’ hard!

I told myself that if I could get through all of that…I know I could do ANYTHING! I was ALL ALONE with this battle. No one else was going to save me…
…I had to do this…
…looking at that period of time makes me sad, very sad. I don’t recognize the woman I see in pictures of me back the ( not so long ago). My life is very different now, in so many ways. I really should write a book?!?!?!…
…I don’t feel as though I’ve gotten through everything that plagued me them…
…my past still haunts me.
Endometriosis still shows it’s ugly face.
PTSD still has a grip on me.

I took myself off of ALL of the medications I was on in 2018 of August. The symptoms of endo are still there, the PTSD, panic attacks and night terrors still hang around…
…somehow I’m here sitting in a chair trying over and over again to be me. I’m not even sure who exactly this woman is but i’m fighting. This war isn’t over with until I’m dead. I chose to continue because I have no other options but to do so. I “begin again” every time I breath…
…every time I take a step…
…anytime I fail, I know I’m inching closer to who I know I am, completely…
…always a work in progress, I’m only human.

I’m not announcing defeat with these words. I’m admitting that my body, mind and soul are learning how I will treat myself going forward.

Don’t forget your roots…
…they’ve made you strong.

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3 thoughts on “I Broke My Opiate Contract with My Doctor

  1. I like the woman you are…love actually. I know that you are so strong. Strong & smart enough to make it through the keyhole into the warm light of happiness. You deserve ALL the great things that Earth & beyond offer us.

    RRM

    Liked by 1 person

    • That means so much to me…
      …sometimes I wonder if I’m on another universe….
      ….because I’m not the same person…
      …i never will be
      My choice is to be happy…
      …and that’s with you Ryan…
      …thank you
      I’m so gracious for this dimension

      Like

  2. You are so strong and as you know I can relate to much of what you went through. I am starting my journey slowly getting off the fentynel patches, I stopped xanax cold turkey and I hope to be off the fentynel patches in the next month or so. The hardest one will be the antivan I take for panic attacks and the dilaudid for pain. But I want off all these meds because I know they are damaging to the body and mind over time. I want to.switch to something more natural like cbd oil and that plant you mentioned. I’m scared of the pain and the unknown, but I feel I must do this. Release myself from this brain fog I’ve been in for far too long.

    Liked by 1 person

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